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Little Bit

My mother-in-law to be calls me little bit. Though I think its cute, I hate what it stands for. We playfully fuss all the time about our bodies. My flat stomach, her lovely legs… You see she’s is renewing her vows in a few weeks. The preparation leading up to the big day has her constantly buying and trying on clothes: the wedding dresses, photo outfits, reception dresses etc. I think she looks amazing in almost anything she puts on, but she feels differently. She sees wide hips, big thighs, and fat legs. I see a woman with an amazing body… I see a woman with a beautiful shape… I guess its all in the eye of the beholder.

I too have a body image issue, but my issue is more than just appearance, I think I look sick. I hate it when people tell me that I don’t need to gain weight or I look amazing the way I am or they wish they had my body. It makes me cringe that skinny is often put in association with pretty. I am 25 years old, 5 feet 4 inches tall, mother of 1, and I currently weigh 104 pounds; I am on a constant decline. In high school I weighed 135 on average. Ever since I had my daughter its been a struggle to stay above 115 but I feel like it’s getting worse.

I cried this morning because I’ve been on a “weight gain” journey for almost 2 months but I’m still losing weight. I put on a pencil skirt today that fit well last month, and last year I had to wiggle into. Today I can put it on and take it off effortlessly without even unzipping it. Am I really sick?? I am currently taking CB-1 weight gainer, I’ve tried maca root pills, and I drink ensures everyday.

Still I feel like I’m withering away. Every time I go home to Brooklyn I’m always asked if I’m ok or if I’m happy becauae I look sick and “maga”. I hate the fact that my size 3 jeans are falling off my ass despite the fact that I’m trying my hardest to put on weight. There is nothing in my closet that fits so I’ve resigned myself to skirts only in order to take my mind off of the weight issue. (Putting on pants is a constant reminder of the weight I’ve lost.)

This sucks… I just wish I had someone to help me or at least relate to…

Skinny does not mean fit. Slim and trim does not always mean healthy. As many people that are out there trying to lose weight, there are probably just as many trying to gain weight… or at least that’s what I tell myself to make me feel better.

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